Tied Together With A Smile

This journey is tough.  Infertility.  It's hard to say out loud to anyone except my husband.  I have two friends who know.  My Mom and MIL know.  But I always change the subject when my Mom brings it up.  I only TEXT my two friends about it - I don't really like to TALK about it with them.  Of those five people, my husband included, I feel that no one really understands.

My Mom said to me: "You need to try everything possible.  What ever it takes."  I said: "What are you talking about?"  Then, I changed the subject.  What I really wanted to say: "First of all, that is not your choice what we do.  Second of all, try everything?  You don't even know what 'everything' is.  You have no idea how difficult this is.  Don't you ever talk like that to me again."  What I should have said: "Mom, this is our decision.  This is our life.  I know that you are worried about me and want for me to be happy, but this isn't easy."  As W.ill Sm.ith said, pare.nts ju.st don't un.ders.tand.

I find myself wanting to tell my Mom and my two best friends every single detail.  The pills.  The shots.  The uncomfortable feeling I get when I'm waiting for my blood draw and someone else is there talking to the nurse about how exciting it will be when she gets to be released to the regular OB for the rest of her pregnancy.  The hurt of a canceled cycle due to no growth.  The difficulty of finding an excuse for leaving work for an hour and a half to drive 30 minutes to the doctor, have a 5 minute ultrasound, have a 5 minute blood draw, and drive 30 minutes back to work.  The simultaneous happiness and sadness when I see my friends with their children or read pregnancy announcements online.  Then, I think, I'd rather just not talk about it, because they don't get it anyway.

The lowest low was when my Mom announced my SIL is pregnant with her 5th child during dinner when we were on a cruise in May.  The worst part was when she added to the end: "They weren't even trying.  It just happened."  At that moment, I realized that my Mom truly, deeply doesn't get it in the least bit.  The overwhelming thought I had was: "That will never happen to me."  Getting to surprise my husband with such wonderful news.  I would love to be able to surprise Chris in a cute way, but that will never happen.  My pregnancy will be the result of hard work, medicine, perfect timing of procedures, and lots of money.

I've never really followed trends, cared what other people had, or cared what other people thought of me.  But this is different.  I hide this from people at work, because I'm afraid of being judged.  This has truly changed me.  There are things about this change that are good...

I truly appreciate my blessings: my husband, my family, my friends... and my intelligence.  It's weird to say that I appreciate my intelligence, but I do.  Some people are blessed with a beautiful voice; I certainly don't have that.  Some are blessed with the ability to churn out beautiful works of art or poetry; I can barely draw stick figures, and my poetry all begins with "Roses are red."  I am thankful God blessed me with intelligence with with parents who placed an importance on my education.

This experience has brought me closer to my husband, and I truly appreciate him.  Last week, I spent several hours on the phone with the insurance company sorting out my prescription approval.  After hearing the frustration in my voice, he called the insurance.  I had my medicine over-nighted to me the next day.  Then, he bought me flowers.

There are thinks about this change that aren't so good...

This experience has made me re-think every detail of my entire life to try to pin-point the moment that this "happened".  Was there are point where I wasn't broken?  Was there something I did that caused my issues?  Was this always meant to be?  Is the fact that I was drawn to read blogs of women with fertility issues before I knew I had fertility issues a sign that we should have started trying for a baby sooner than we did?  When one of my cousins said to me when she got pregnant when I was in college and she was just graduating high school "You are jealous that I have something that you don't" and I replied, with a slight smirk and laugh, "um... No.  I'm not.", did my response to that situation cause this? 

This isn't me.  I'm not the person who worries.  ... or at least I wasn't.  Taking the good with the bad.  Going with the flow.  Looking on the bright side.  and Being positive.  Those are my strong points.  but this experience is threatening to take that out of me.  I am strong, but how long can I be strong?  How long do I have to be strong?

This rambling post truly represents my thoughts.... I go from "woo!!" to "boohoo" constantly.  Some days, I struggle to concentrate at work.  Some days, I rock at pr.oject mana.gement and fac.ilities engin.eering.  Most of the time, I am thankful to have insurance to cover some of the cost of the treatments and medicines.  But, after being on the phone with the insurance company for hours and hours, I have fleeting thoughts of how wonderful it would be to just hand over my credit card to the doctor without worrying about pre-certifications, specialty pharmacy delivery, or incredibly rude customer service representatives.

After over two and a half years, I feel like we are getting closer to the end, but I worry about what the end will actually be.  Worried, but hopeful.

Title from "T.ied T.oget.her With A Smi.le" by Tay.lo.r Sw.if.t